I don't remember the first time I heard the song, "Ever Be." But just a year ago, I was listening to this song, (Tori Kelly's version), while having my quiet time in the morning. I was writing down the lyrics as she sang them, tears streaming down my cheeks...
"You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole
Your kindness makes us whole
And you shoulder our weakness
And your strength becomes our own"
I journaled, "Lord. I believe these words are true. I know You are good. I know these things are true of You. I know You are near. But I don't often feel Your strength. I just feel so weak."
And when the song continued...
And when the song continued...
"Now you're making me like you
Clothing me in white
Bringing beauty from ashes
For You will have Your bride
Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame
And known by her true name and it's why I sing..."
I lost it.
Oh, I knew these lyrics were supposed to be describing me. In my head I understood how He sees me as His perfect bride, how He chose me because He is good and He loves me. But in my heart, I only felt shame. Shame over sins committed, over mistakes I've made in the past. Very recent past, even. Shame that my thoughts are so often so deceitful, that my heart and my flesh want things that do not belong to me. Shame over every time I've given into temptation. Shame over my insatiable need to feel loved, desired, attractive, wanted. Shame over my insatiable need to FEEL.
Oh, I knew these lyrics were supposed to be describing me. In my head I understood how He sees me as His perfect bride, how He chose me because He is good and He loves me. But in my heart, I only felt shame. Shame over sins committed, over mistakes I've made in the past. Very recent past, even. Shame that my thoughts are so often so deceitful, that my heart and my flesh want things that do not belong to me. Shame over every time I've given into temptation. Shame over my insatiable need to feel loved, desired, attractive, wanted. Shame over my insatiable need to FEEL.
Free of all my guilt? Impossible. Rid of all my shame? Shame had been my lifelong companion. And I was exhausted. Beyond weary of carrying that weight around. I desperately wanted those lyrics to feel as true in my soul as my head knew they were.
At that point I had been in biblical counseling for a couple of months. It had been a difficult experience to say the least. My brain battled my heart and my spirit was at war as I told the Lord "No" to what He was asking of me, over and over again. Unwilling to let go of the chains I was dragging around, I knew I would eventually have to give in to Him. And I wanted to. But I was so afraid to let Him pull me out of the comfortable filth I had called my heart's home for so long. What would I be without that?
Then, during one of our evening sessions last summer, my counselor gently but firmly suggested to me that my inability to stop giving into my demons perhaps meant my relationship with Jesus wasn't what I thought it was. I said I believed He died for all my sins, but my constant need to punish myself proved otherwise.
It was an absolute punch to the gut. I was devastated. I'd been walking with Jesus since I was 5 years old. I mean, hadn't I? I had no doubt that He'd walked with me all this time, but maybe that was part of the problem. I only let Him walk with me - or sometimes I'd leave Him standing there as I took dark little side trips on my own - when I should have allowed Him to carry me. But I had tried so very hard for so very long to do things right.
So...I'd been doing it wrong? That was terrible, wonderful news. I was devastated...and relieved.
But now what? I left that session absolutely broken. My heart had been torn open, bare and exposed and I was handed nothing to cover it back up. No 3-step plan for healing, no easy solution so I could fix myself before stumbling back home where dinner was waiting for me to prepare it.
I fumed and cried over those words. I fought them for two long days. Begging my husband, begging my friends to convince me my counselor had been wrong.
But I knew she wasn't. I wanted her to be wrong so badly, but I couldn't deny it. I was coming to the end of myself and it was terrifying. Because when you reach that place...what's next?
But I knew she wasn't. I wanted her to be wrong so badly, but I couldn't deny it. I was coming to the end of myself and it was terrifying. Because when you reach that place...what's next?
My counseling had been rough on my sweet husband as well. He hated seeing me in pain, and counseling had forced me to be honest with him about things that caused him pain, too. Two nights after my counselor's words had broken my heart, I was talking Greg down from trying to have her fired - he was that angry. And suddenly, as I was crying and confessing and pouring out my heart to him...I was suddenly pouring my heart out to Jesus.
Through gut-wrenching sobs and snot, I uttered words no human could understand and laid everything bare before the Lord. Face buried in a pillow, barely able to breathe, I screamed out to Him, confessed that I absolutely could not go on the way I had always done, and needed Him desperately. I don't even know what words I used, but He understood my heart's cries.
Finally, my body calmed down. My breathing slowed. My heart rate returned to normal. Drained completely, I sunk into sleep on my soaking wet pillow, in my husband's arms.
Do you know what happens after you reach the end of yourself? I didn't then, but I do now. Because when I awoke the next morning, I braced myself to face another day of trying to prove myself worthy, of trying to be good enough to undo every shameful act I'd ever committed. I prepared to continue worrying about and trying to control every little detail of my life. I prepared for the torture of another day of punishing myself for every mistake, every flaw, every imperfection.
But instead, when I woke up, I felt...
Finally, my body calmed down. My breathing slowed. My heart rate returned to normal. Drained completely, I sunk into sleep on my soaking wet pillow, in my husband's arms.
Do you know what happens after you reach the end of yourself? I didn't then, but I do now. Because when I awoke the next morning, I braced myself to face another day of trying to prove myself worthy, of trying to be good enough to undo every shameful act I'd ever committed. I prepared to continue worrying about and trying to control every little detail of my life. I prepared for the torture of another day of punishing myself for every mistake, every flaw, every imperfection.
But instead, when I woke up, I felt...
Peace.
Like, real, lasting peace. The kind that John 14:27 and Philippians 4:7 talk about. Can you imagine?
Before that, I had only tasted it. I had read about it, heard about it. I had seen it in others lives. I had experienced it for short periods of time. But now, I felt true peace as I finally laid situations I couldn't control at the Lord's feet. I felt peace as I said goodbye to relationships that threatened to separate me from Jesus and cause unbearable pain. I felt peace as I began a new life.
And I haven't been the same since. Truly.
I'm the kind of girl who chooses a theme word at the beginning of each year to help me focus. But in 2018, the word chose me.
"Surrender."
I couldn't have known when I wrote that word down how it would alter my life.
Outwardly, I'm still the same. Same crow-footed green eyes, same crooked smile. Newish wrinkles, ever-growing patches of grey hair and far more curves than I'm truly comfortable with.
But inside? Inside I am a brand new woman.
It's been over 7 months - oh, how I wish it was ten times that! - since that fateful night I threw my white flag to my Savior.
It's been 7 months since I've truly felt afraid.
7 months of feeling completely free from the temptations that I once had no strength on my own to run from, temptations that held me captive.
7 months of feeling certain that when I am tempted again - and I surely will be - I believe without a doubt I will be able to turn away without looking back.
7 months since I've stopped needing the approval of another human to validate me in the ways I'd grown accustomed.
7 months since I've begun laying down old, harmful habits and creating healthy new ones. Slowly but surely.
It's been 7 months since I stopped punishing myself and instead choose each day to believe that I am who Jesus says I am.
I had heard life with Him could be like this, I had read that in the Scriptures, but I hadn't truly experienced it before June 21, 2018. My rebirth day. My day of freedom.
I am so grateful to the loving, patient, slow-to-anger God of the Universe whom I actually have the privilege of being in intimate relationship with. He is not an unknowable, random cosmic idea just raining down judgment. He is my Good, Good Father. He makes promises and He keeps them. He gives me gifts I never imagined could be real and my gratitude to Him moves me to give everything I have over to Him.
Those lyrics that caused me such pain less than a year ago now describe perfectly who I see myself to be, because He has allowed me to see myself through His eyes. I am free of all my guilt. I am rid of all my shame. I am His bride and and my true name is Beloved.
Who the Son sets free
Oh is free indeed
I’m a child of God
Yes I am
Free at last, He has ransomed me
His grace runs deep
While I was a slave to sin
Jesus died for me
Yes He died for me
I am chosen
Not forsaken
I am who You say I am
You are for me
Not against me
I am who You say I am
Xoxo.
