I want to be a Writer.
There. I said it.
This isn't something I've officially shared with a lot of people.
Oh sure, I've written some. Shared those writings. Written a lot more that I haven't shared. Even been told I could be a writer, that I should write a book. My husband reminds me often that he's expecting me to write some best sellers so he can retire.
This both encourages and terrifies me.
But the thing is, I've only *wished* I could be a writer. I haven't acted like I am one. I've acted like someone who just writes when she "feels" it.
That's not the way professional writers do it!
I know this, because professional writers have told me so. I know this because after years and years and years of writing only when I feel like it, I'm still not a professional writer.
To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what that should mean, what it should look like in my life.
But what I do know is that for years and years and years, I've had this deep desire to write, and for my words to make a difference to others. To write, and be published. To write, and have my words point people to Truth. To Jesus.
What I also know is that wishing only works in Disney movies. Because for years I've wished I could have a healthier body. But I don't put in the work. And I wake up every morning with 100 pounds to lose. For years I wished I could be a massage therapist. But until I took the leap to get in school, I kept waking up without a massage license. For years I've wished I could write a book, but I've done nothing to actually accomplish that goal.
Here's the thing. I believe God put this desire in my heart to write. I believe God gave me an ability to put words to paper - in a way I'm unable to verbalize - that is unique to me. I believe I have a story to share that shows how God works in the lives of and uses His people who are broken and make mistakes, and I want to share that with as many people as possible.
I believe God puts dreams in our hearts and gives us what we need to make those dreams come true, one day at a time, one step at a time.
Or, do I? Do I believe that? Because several of my dreams are still unfulfilled and I think at this point, that's simply because I've been too afraid or too lazy to follow Him down those paths.
Instead, I allow voices that tell me I'll never be successful at it to dictate what I do. Or don't do. I allow voices that tell me I'll be wildly successful and won't be able to handle it (public speaking? Book tours? Horror!) keep me quiet.
And up until last June, I allowed my feelings to determine how I spent much of my time. The whole concept of the "hustle" has somehow gotten a great rep in our society today - which is strange to me because it used to carry really negative, dishonest connotations - and I've never been much of a hustler in the positive sense. I've lacked discipline mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually...because I've allowed my feelings to rule me instead of the other way around. And usually, I don't "feel" like doing the things I'd need to do to move forward in whatever area of my life needs that.
Now, 7 months after my surrender to Jesus, I'm having to learn new habits. As an empath, and after decades of being just a feeler, this has been incredibly difficult. I have a hard time labeling something as successful if I don't "feel" it. But chasing my feelings for so long only caused me pain, so I know - not feel - that it's time now to create change in my life.
Proverbs 31 describes a woman that I want to be: one who is wise, of noble character, but who also has strong arms and helps support her family by working hard in everything that she does. I have not consistently been this woman, and that hurts my heart. I believe I can do better for my husband, for my kids, for my Lord. And I want to.
I was ruminating on all of these things last night. Knowing I need and want to make changes in my life and knowing that at this moment, it's up to me to choose to be obedient to my Jesus and what He's asking of me.
There's this lovely local blogger I follow who is an artist and she challenged herself to do a daily sketch in 2019. Her project popped into my head last night and I was suddenly inspired to do the same.
I am not an artist with a brush, but I can be an artist with a keyboard. Not when I look around at what everyone else is writing (including the aforementioned lovely blogger whose writing I love, even though I haven't seen her claim to identify as a writer at all!) and compare myself, but when I focus on Truth, on Jesus, and look to Him as I write, then I am confident in all of this. Which is the only reason I have any courage to do this and make this public at all.
I want to be a Writer. So while I'm 41, I'm going to sit down every day for 30-60 minutes and write. And whatever ends up coming out during that time, I will post here. Because I need to build the habit of writing. Because I need to build discipline. Because I feel this is my Next Right Thing.
I've asked a small handful of women I love and trust to be my accountability for this project, which I'm naming #myproject41. And posting here will create that accountability as well.
Can I be real honest? I'm scared. I'm scared to make this dream public. I'm scared of failing, and I'm kind of scared of succeeding. But mostly failing, because I have 20+ years of experience that tell me I'm real good at that. I'm scared that posting my words will bring judgment, will bring criticism that I won't be able to handle. I'm scared some days I'll have nothing to say and will just have to post gibberish. I'm scared no one will care what I have to say. I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm scared I'll ruffle feathers. I'm scared I won't ruffle feathers.
I don't know what I will write about. That scares me too, especially as I'm journeying through this new season of shrugging off the old sins and habits that bound me to dark secrets. Actually the not knowing has kept me stuck for a long time. What's my theme? How do I set up my blog, my blog name, my blog style? What will I write about for the next 6 months? 6 years? I let these questions paralyze me.
*deep breath*
Today, I am committing to just sit down to write daily, and in my writing, I have just two goals:
1. Speak the Truth
2. Speak It with Love (not only for others, but also myself!)
I've lived a long time in the dark and twisty places of my mind where the enemy likes to mess with me. But I want to exude the Light that only truly comes from Jesus. I trust Him, and I believe He will guide me through this next step in my journey.
Until tomorrow...
Xoxo.
