Surrender

I don't remember the first time I heard the song, "Ever Be." But just a year ago, I was listening to this song, (Tori Kelly's version), while having my quiet time in the morning. I was writing down the lyrics as she sang them, tears streaming down my cheeks... 

"You Father the orphan
Your kindness makes us whole

And you shoulder our weakness

And your strength becomes our own"

I journaled, "Lord. I believe these words are true. I know You are good. I know these things are true of You. I know You are near. But I don't often feel Your strength. I just feel so weak."

And when the song continued...

"Now you're making me like you

Clothing me in white

Bringing beauty from ashes

For You will have Your bride

Free of all her guilt and rid of all her shame

And known by her true name and it's why I sing..."

I lost it.

Oh, I knew these lyrics were supposed to be describing me. In my head I understood how He sees me as His perfect bride, how He chose me because He is good and He loves me. But in my heart, I only felt shame. Shame over sins committed, over mistakes I've made in the past. Very recent past, even. Shame that my thoughts are so often so deceitful, that my heart and my flesh want things that do not belong to me. Shame over every time I've given into temptation. Shame over my insatiable need to feel loved, desired, attractive, wanted. Shame over my insatiable need to FEEL.

Free of all my guilt? Impossible. Rid of all my shame? Shame had been my lifelong companion. And I was exhausted. Beyond weary of carrying that weight around. I desperately wanted those lyrics to feel as true in my soul as my head knew they were.

At that point I had been in biblical counseling for a couple of months. It had been a difficult experience to say the least. My brain battled my heart and my spirit was at war as I told the Lord "No" to what He was asking of me, over and over again. Unwilling to let go of the chains I was dragging around, I knew I would eventually have to give in to Him. And I wanted to. But I was so afraid to let Him pull me out of the comfortable filth I had called my heart's home for so long. What would I be without that?

Then, during one of our evening sessions last summer, my counselor gently but firmly suggested to me that my inability to stop giving into my demons perhaps meant my relationship with Jesus wasn't what I thought it was. I said I believed He died for all my sins, but my constant need to punish myself proved otherwise. 

It was an absolute punch to the gut. I was devastated. I'd been walking with Jesus since I was 5 years old. I mean, hadn't I? I had no doubt that He'd walked with me all this time, but maybe that was part of the problem. I only let Him walk with me - or sometimes I'd leave Him standing there as I took dark little side trips on my own - when I should have allowed Him to carry me. But I had tried so very hard for so very long to do things right.

So...I'd been doing it wrong? That was terrible, wonderful news. I was devastated...and relieved.

But now what? I left that session absolutely broken. My heart had been torn open, bare and exposed and I was handed nothing to cover it back up. No 3-step plan for healing, no easy solution so I could fix myself before stumbling back home where dinner was waiting for me to prepare it.

I fumed and cried over those words. I fought them for two long days. Begging my husband, begging my friends to convince me my counselor had been wrong. 

But I knew she wasn't. I wanted her to be wrong so badly, but I couldn't deny it. I was coming to the end of myself and it was terrifying. Because when you reach that place...what's next?

My counseling had been rough on my sweet husband as well. He hated seeing me in pain, and counseling had forced me to be honest with him about things that caused him pain, too. Two nights after my counselor's words had broken my heart, I was talking Greg down from trying to have her fired - he was that angry. And suddenly, as I was crying and confessing and pouring out my heart to him...I was suddenly pouring my heart out to Jesus. 

Through gut-wrenching sobs and snot, I uttered words no human could understand and laid everything bare before the Lord. Face buried in a pillow, barely able to breathe, I screamed out to Him, confessed that I absolutely could not go on the way I had always done, and needed Him desperately. I don't even know what words I used, but He understood my heart's cries.

Finally, my body calmed down. My breathing slowed. My heart rate returned to normal. Drained completely, I sunk into sleep on my soaking wet pillow, in my husband's arms.

Do you know what happens after you reach the end of yourself? I didn't then, but I do now. Because when I awoke the next morning, I braced myself to face another day of trying to prove myself worthy, of trying to be good enough to undo every shameful act I'd ever committed. I prepared to continue worrying about and trying to control every little detail of my life. I prepared for the torture of another day of punishing myself for every mistake, every flaw, every imperfection. 

But instead, when I woke up, I felt...

Peace. 

Like, real, lasting peace. The kind that John 14:27 and Philippians 4:7 talk about. Can you imagine? 

Before that, I had only tasted it. I had read about it, heard about it. I had seen it in others lives. I had experienced it for short periods of time. But now, I felt true peace as I finally laid situations I couldn't control at the Lord's feet. I felt peace as I said goodbye to relationships that threatened to separate me from Jesus and cause unbearable pain. I felt peace as I began a new life.

And I haven't been the same since. Truly.

I'm the kind of girl who chooses a theme word at the beginning of each year to help me focus. But in 2018, the word chose me.

"Surrender."

I couldn't have known when I wrote that word down how it would alter my life.

Outwardly, I'm still the same. Same crow-footed green eyes, same crooked smile. Newish wrinkles, ever-growing patches of grey hair and far more curves than I'm truly comfortable with. 

But inside? Inside I am a brand new woman. 

It's been over 7 months - oh, how I wish it was ten times that! - since that fateful night I threw my white flag to my Savior. 

It's been 7 months since I've truly felt afraid. 

7 months of feeling completely free from the temptations that I once had no strength on my own to run from, temptations that held me captive.

7 months of feeling certain that when I am tempted again - and I surely will be - I believe without a doubt I will be able to turn away without looking back. 

7 months since I've stopped needing the approval of another human to validate me in the ways I'd grown accustomed. 

7 months since I've begun laying down old, harmful habits and creating healthy new ones. Slowly but surely.

It's been 7 months since I stopped punishing myself and instead choose each day to believe that I am who Jesus says I am. 

I had heard life with Him could be like this, I had read that in the Scriptures, but I hadn't truly experienced it before June 21, 2018. My rebirth day. My day of freedom.

I am so grateful to the loving, patient, slow-to-anger God of the Universe whom I actually have the privilege of being in intimate relationship with. He is not an unknowable, random cosmic idea just raining down judgment. He is my Good, Good Father. He makes promises and He keeps them. He gives me gifts I never imagined could be real and my gratitude to Him moves me to give everything I have over to Him. 

Those lyrics that caused me such pain less than a year ago now describe perfectly who I see myself to be, because He has allowed me to see myself through His eyes. I am free of all my guilt. I am rid of all my shame. I am His bride and and my true name is Beloved. 

There's another song I love...one whose lyrics I know and feel are true...

Who You Say I Am

Who the Son sets free

Oh is free indeed

I’m a child of God

Yes I am

Free at last, He has ransomed me

His grace runs deep

While I was a slave to sin

Jesus died for me

Yes He died for me

I am chosen

Not forsaken

I am who You say I am

You are for me

Not against me

I am who You say I am

Xoxo.

:: wonder woman

I love movies. They are usually an escape for me. I lose myself in the story; I drown in the drama; I am swallowed whole by the music. For me, it's never "just a movie".

I just saw Wonder Woman for the second time this week. First with my daughter and some friends, and just now with my son. And I. Am. Overwhelmed. I'm not sure I have the words to adequately convey the powerful feelings this film evokes in me, but since I was rendered literally speechless both times I saw the movie, I had to get all my big feelings out here. (You're welcome.)

Many "girl power" movies portray men as weak imbeciles who bumble around not doing what needs to be done. So, the women are forced to roll their eyes, push up their sleeves and charge forward to do what men won't. Honestly, I find this message about men incredibly disrespectful (although, sadly, not always untrue), and it cheapens the portrayal of strength that women truly do possess.

Wonder Woman is not that movie.

Instead, what unfolded was the story of a woman who was created with a singular purpose - to protect and save the world - and whose heart burned with passion for that very goal. Her entire life was spent training in preparation for the day when she would be called into battle. This movie wasn't men versus women, which I appreciate because we weren't created to be in constant competition and battle with each other - quite the opposite, in fact. Rather, men and women on both sides fought for good or evil. 

As Wonder Woman fought for not only her own life, but the lives of others, tears rained down my face, rolling damp trails off my chin, onto my chest and jeans. There's a scene (don't worry, this isn't really a spoiler alert) when she first heads into battle that is so powerful for me, all slow-motion with music swelling, that it absolutely wrecks me. She wasn't doing what men couldn't because they were weak...she was doing what only she could do, because it was what she was created for.

This movie feels very symbolic of my life right now. It starts with, "What one does when faced with the truth is more difficult than you'd think. I learned this the hard way. And now, I will never be the same."

Someone recently said to me that we are more than our beliefs. I maybe understand what she was trying to say, but I strongly disagree. We *are* our beliefs. Our beliefs dictate everything we do in life. Like Wonder Woman said, "It's not about deserve. It's about what you believe. And I believe in love."

I've talked to several friends who were powerfully affected by this movie, and we all walked out of the theater with our own takeaways. For me, this movie was a call to prepare for whatever my next battle may be. My battle will look different than yours. My training will look different, too. And that's ok. Because no matter my role, no one can fill it like I can. The same goes for you.

If you haven't seen Wonder Woman yet, I encourage you to go do that soon.

Xoxo.

:: the aftermath of leaving home (part 6)

(Please read Parts 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 before you continue…)

As this week comes to a close, I've been accused of many things, one of them being that I'm trying to take down Eastlake. There are indeed many of us praying that light be shed on darkness, that everyone we love sees Jesus for who He truly is. But I have no desire to see people hurt, or to fail, or be unable to support their families or any of that.  These are my friends, too. These are all people I love and care about, too. It's just that the eternity of those same hearts and souls are more important to me than the temporal things of earth.

The founder (as he's now called) of Eastlake says that "One particular reading of the Christian story claims that death is a punishment. That humans are aliens on the earth. That you don't belong here. That you are innately broken. Not true. Death feeds everything that lives. It is a gift. Humans are not simply from the earth, but we are OF the earth. You belong here. Deeply. And while you may not be flawless, your basic nature is of a fundamental wholeness." (from his blog)

God says the exact opposite through the Scriptures. No human, be it a pastor or a blogger, is more trustworthy than the God who created each of us. Please, please, read the Word of the God who made you. It is the only way to know what the real truth is. 

Ryan, and the leadership at Eastlake - I beg you to please be honest with your community and redefine yourself as the New Age spiritual center you've become. Because right now, you are spreading lies in the name of God. If you're honest, then people who still think they're on the path to God can leave, and those that are ok with the New Age doctrines can stay. Being honest in this way is the most loving thing you can do at this point.

This all feels very perplexing, and heavy, and painful.

Still, there's hope.

During this painful, isolating season, I have felt left out, but I haven't been lonely. That's such a gift and it's new. I was so lonely before. For years. Even surrounded by people who I thought were friends. Now, the Lord has faithfully brought new and old friends into my world that are helping to breathe life back into me during one of the saddest seasons I’ve walked through. 

The constant cloud of depression that hung over me for years, the one that I assumed was just a part of my personality, has vanished! I have a returned confidence and lightness about me that I missed! It was drowning in the darkness that shadowed me, the darkness I couldn't even see while I stayed at Eastlake; a darkness I was aware of but certainly didn't think to attribute to my house of faith.

On Easter, we attended a new church and sitting in that room, surrounded by people praising God, and listening to the message of the Resurrection, I was overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude and surprise. Visiting other churches has been a painful, wonderful experience. It’s hit me hard to realize what I’d been missing at my own church for so long…like a day and night difference compared to what I’d been sitting through for years.

I've been to church just twice since we left Eastlake, but the Lord is already filling voids in my heart and life that have been just sitting there for years, open, gaping, aching to be filled. Desires that I've prayed for and seen no fruit from, but now that we've left, He has been filling those voids right and left! People have been coming out of the woodwork, offering help and friendship, mentorship and prayer. Health. All the things my heart has been longing for and wasn't getting where I was.

Since we left, I've discovered a renewed hunger for Jesus. It’s a lot like when you sit down at a Mexican restaurant thinking you’re not that hungry, but you start eating the chips anyway, and suddenly you’re ravenous. I was out of the habit of praying and reading the Bible, but now I can't get enough of either. And while traditional worship music used to make me super irritable, now I don’t want to listen to anything else. The words are like water to my parched soul.

I’ve heard this song, Tears of the Saints, dozens of times in my life. But only recently did I actually hear the lyrics. I finally know the difference between “the lost” and “the unsaved”. It’s heartbreaking to be so close to those who are lost. But I’m grateful for these reminders to stay in prayer for all the people that God loves. Which is all of the people. 

I am grateful for this season. It is hard. It is brutal. But like other painful times in my life, this difficult season has brought me back to my First Love. Maybe this time I’ll learn to stay close to Him without the horrible experience first.

In the meantime, I’m clinging to the hope I have again in Him, and the lyrics to this song, a song I remember my beautiful friend Leah sing so many times, years ago. I miss that.

Loved ones, if you believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that He is who He says He is...if you believe that the Bible is His holy word...or if you are confused or doubting or have a nagging feeling in your gut that something you're being taught in the name of God is off...I beg of you to PRAY. Pray to the Almighty God who created you in His image, not to your inner self or anyone else, and ask Him to show you the truth, ask Him for discernment, and seek His Word. He will answer your prayers. 

If you’ve read this far…thank you. Please know how truly loved you are, by me, by hundreds of people praying for you, but more importantly, by God. Please believe that you are deeply, truly, unconditionally loved by God. 

I hope we can have some respectful conversation about all of this soon. You know where I stand. I’m not trying to debate anyone, I’m definitely not trying to argue or fight. But I can answer questions, I can listen, and I can pray.

With so much love,

Xoxo

Jaime

:: the aftermath of leaving home (part 5)

(Please read Parts 1, 2, 3 and 4 before you continue…)

I’ve watched that video dozens and dozens of times, making sure I got Ryan’s quotes right. To hear my pastor blaspheme the Lord so readily, to see his face contort in disgust when he mentioned the name of God, unable to even form words…something is so very wrong with that.

Online, I read comment after comment on that video, at least two from women who described themselves as witches, one asking if she could possibly feel comfortable at Eastlake. I read, broken, as church staff assured her that they weren't so concerned with "belief" as they were in an "embodied life". (Even after reading more about this phrase, I still can't wrap my mind around its meaning.) I read comments from people who currently attend Eastlake, saying they lean towards new age spirituality and have fit right in there... 

I'd like to say here that I do believe all people should be welcome in God’s house. We were all created in God’s image, and then He gave us free will to accept or reject Him. I don't think humans rejecting God makes them any less loved by Him. He still made them, and He still longs for relationship with them, to adopt them back into His family as His children through the holy sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Only then do we become Children of God and rightful heirs to His kingdom. It’s why He gives us so many chances to receive His gift.

But while I believe all people should be welcome in His house, I do not think all people should feel comfortable there. One cannot be a witch and also serve Jesus Christ. Witches (and anyone else who worship other gods) should be welcomed into God's house with open arms by His people, and then encouraged to seek Him through His Word and the Holy Spirit so that He can do the healing and changing of their hearts. Eastlake used to be a place "to find and follow Jesus", but now staff members say that even if people have no idea who Jesus is, but they love others more, then Eastlake's mission is successful. 

Honestly, I am angry often, these days. Learning things like this, and watching as my former church continues to lead people astray is overwhelming. To keep from sinking into bitterness, I have to remind myself over and over that Ryan is not the enemy. Eastlake is not the enemy. When I picture the faces of the beautiful people there that I care for, who are unknowingly carrying out this mission of darkness while calling it love, it feels unthinkable. But the Bible tells us that our battle is not against other people. We are the instruments that good and evil spirits use to help carry out each of their missions. Two very different missions.

Like me, you may be asking yourself, how in the heck did this happen? At one time, Eastlake was a thriving church of God, bringing in hundreds of new people a week, lowering the shame level so all would feel comfortable coming to the feet of Jesus. Maybe it was immaturity, maybe it was arrogance – maybe both – that made the leadership stop feeling the need to ask God for protection. Somehow, as church leaders, they didn’t anticipate that they’d be targeted by the enemy, when they were initially doing so much good for God. And it left them and their entire church – my family included – susceptible to attack from Satan. And attack he has.

I've read Scripture after Scripture, in what Eastlake now teaches is little more than an ancient library, that describes in terrifying detail the things I see going on right now at the church I called home.

At Eastlake, Jesus is no longer the point. They prefer the term "Ultimate Reality," "Universe," and "Eternal Source" (amongst other New Age terms) when referring to God, instead of "God" or "The Father", like Jesus taught us to do.

Now the man who many consider to be their Christian pastor is telling people that there is no hell and to do what feels right while on Earth, because what we do doesn’t matter beyond this world.

On Instagram, I’ve seen him refer to his wife as a witch. Best case scenario is he’s joking, but any leader who follows God would know this is not a joking matter and is incredibly inappropriate. So, knowing this, my options are to a) conclude he is no longer a man of God or b) believe him. Neither of these is a healthy choice when talking about your Christ-following pastor. 

His catchy phrase “Life is a gift, and love is the point” has just enough truth to pass as such, but when you remove the Giver of the gift of life, and start worshipping His gift instead, that’s a big problem.   

In his blog he repeatedly disrespects Almighty God by refusing to use His name, or calling him "god", adding a sarcastic nickname or blaming the world's atrocities on the "SuperBeing God" (his words). In his flowery prose he weaves confusing messages that quote the occasional Scripture while at the same time defaming God. He shares his experiences of meditation, of seeing an elk spirit guide who supposedly gives him peace. He practices Hinduism through yoga, which is itself a deeply dark, religious practice and has proven time and again to open people up to demonic spirits. (That might make you angry...but please research this topic further.) This is no longer a pastor who leans into and loves the Lord, yet he himself claims to be love, that Love is his religion. 

The Bible says God. Is. Love. "Anyone who does not love God does not know God, because God is love."

With this pastor’s far-reaching influence, it’s maddening to watch him being celebrated while he's dragging people along on his warped and very personal spiritual journey, claiming all the while to be in search of the truth. According to the Word of God, the Creator, and true source of love...there is only one Truth. But my former pastor has chosen to believe that it’s a lie, and yet still touts his community as Christian. Or not. It doesn't matter, because he doesn't know or care. 

Numerous friends who've left Eastlake have recently had sit-downs with different staff members. Through these conversations, I've learned that some staff have admitted to believing that Jesus is "a" way to God, but not "the Way". They preach about religious freedom, claiming there are many paths to God. Yet John 14:6 tells us, "Jesus said to him, 'I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." 

When one staffer was asked why the church still claims to be Christian despite rejecting the essential teachings of Jesus, the response was, “So what, who cares?” and that Christianity needs to change. Other answers included Eastlake not being a Bible-believing church, and that belief is just not important (and these are the least scary answers).

I've heard of staff members engaging in witchcraft by using crystals and sacred stones. I have seen Instagram accounts of mediums who are followed by church staff and spouses.

During my research for this post, I've watched endless videos on the occult and experiences with different sects of spirituality that lead far from God. I was especially moved by the testimony of a young man who was deeply involved in the New Age movement for years, describing the things he was doing, many of which have been introduced at Eastlake as new, enlightened ways to experience truth. I also watched this same guy renounce the New Age as false, and explain how that entire spiritual movement is rooted in evil. 

To say this has all been incredibly painful is an understatement.

I need a breather, and I imagine you do, too.

Last post (for now) tomorrow…

Xoxo.

:: the aftermath (part 4 - that upworthy video, though)

(This post can stand on its own, but you may want to read Parts 1 - which explains why I'm sharing these blog posts, 2, and 3 before you continue…)

There's a video (watch it here) going around online about Eastlake Community Church, the church my family called home for the better part of a decade.  This was a place where I crawled through my divorce and learned to navigate life as a single mama. A place where I sobbed through every worship session for months and months. And months. A place where I met (and made mistakes with) men who I thought might be a good fit for my lonely heart. A place where I helped set up and tear down church, cleaned classrooms, welcomed new people in, led growth groups and made lifelong friends. A place where I found healing. And then the place where I met a wonderful man who truly was a good fit for my heart, and navigated yet another new season of life as we married. A place where together we grieved the loss of my husband's niece and nephew, and later, experienced the terror and grief that came with the birth and hospitalization of our youngest child. A place I spent much of my "free" time, much of my income, and dedicated almost an entire year as an intern to move their mission forward. A place where I learned how to seek Jesus and love all people, regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, all of it...like He does. It's been a beautiful place.  I share all this to make it clear that leaving this special community has been one of the most painful decisions I've had to make, and it's triggered a season of grieving that I didn't expect. I was very much a part of Eastlake, and Eastlake was a part of me.

I have so much love and gratitude for how God used Eastlake for my family and for countless others over the years. I am grateful on behalf of my friends who had previously been hurt by "the church" and have now found a place they feel accepted. I in no way mean to diminish or take away from any of that. I truly love every person represented in this video, and I cherish every single member of the staff at Eastlake, many whom I consider friends, who I know count on this place to support their families.  This makes it especially difficult for me to speak out about this. But this isn't me just needing to vent. (I have friends for that.) I take no pleasure in having to share any of these things. But I truly believe the eternity of souls are at stake, and so, not sharing would be completely selfish and unloving of me.

Please, please hear my heart on this: For me, this is not an issue of the LGBTQ community being included. I have many loved ones who are a part of that community and I wouldn't want to attend a church where they were not welcome to worship the true and living God beside me. I truly believe all the people God created should be welcomed into His house.

Rather, this is an issue of a perceived-Christian leader deciding his way is better than God's way. It. Makes. No. Sense. And it's devastating.

In this video, Pastor Ryan says, "I don't care if the Bible says gay people suck." (at 3:25)

The Bible does not say "gay people suck". Here, Ryan not only puts words in God's mouth, but he also implies that God hates gay people. Nowhere in the Bible does it say God hates gay people. He hates sin because it hurts us and keeps us separate from Him. There are six scriptures in the Bible that mention the acts of homosexuality (alongside other sexual acts that the Lord considers sinful), and not homosexual individuals themselves.

God loves His creation. He desires every single person He created (which is all of us) to have a loving, intimate relationship with Him, and to live in health, wholeness, and oneness with Him. In His desire for authentic relationships with us, rather than us being mindless robots who worship Him, He gave us free will to either choose His love or reject it. It is humans, with our limited understanding, who have misinterpreted God's heart and words on the topic of the LGBTQ community (and every other topic, for that matter), and who have made it the hateful, ugly ordeal it has become. For that, I am deeply grieved and I believe God is, too. He doesn't wish for any of the people He created to go without love. 

But I am also grieved that this video suggests that Ryan gets it right, while God gets it wrong.

Ryan says, "The God who loves them is going to send most of human history to hell. Like, that's the good news? Sounds pretty shitty. [laughs]" (at 1:06)

This quote of Ryan's particularly stings because as someone who faithfully attended his church, I'm struggling to think of a time in the past few years when someone new to church or God or Christianity has heard the true Good News from their pastor.

Because the Good News actually is that while sin keeps us separate from God, His Son Jesus Christ volunteered to come to earth, become human, sacrifice Himself on the cross, and resurrect three days later, thus paying for our sins before they ever even happen, so that we can enjoy eternal life in heaven with God. "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him." John 3:16, 17

I took it for granted because I've known who Jesus was since I was 5. But what about those who've never heard that this is true? Members of Eastlake Community Church that have been attending in the last 2-4 years have likely never heard from their pastor that Jesus loves them and died for them. We're talking about actual human hearts at stake here, eternally speaking. But feelings have taken precedence over souls. This is a tragedy.

In the video, regarding the Bible, Ryan says, "We've decided it fell from the sky, and now we've gotta run it like a manual for how to run the earth, how to legislate reality. And that's not what it is. If we need to consult an ancient book to know what to do when a human being is standing in front us, I think we're screwed already." (at 3:53)

Here’s the deal: As humans, created by God, we get to choose whether or not we believe that God is who He says He is, and that the Bible is His Living Word. Every human can decide for themselves and then live accordingly. I personally believe in the infallibility, inerrancy and Divine inspiration of the Bible, so imagine my confusion when my pastor started to systematically discredit the Bible from the stage, and propose that the Bible is just a suggestion when it's convenient or feels good. The video even explains that Eastlake uses the Bible as a framework, and not a rule book. This was news to me. I thought we were asking questions to gain a deeper understanding of what we believe, not to discount the entire foundation for the belief system I thought we all shared. 

Ryan’s viewpoint actually takes away my choice by suggesting that what I’ve always believed the Bible to be isn’t even true. And imagine my shock to see a Christian pastor - MY pastor - mock Christians (at 2:50) who honor and consider the Bible to be Holy Scripture. In his obvious disgust, he couldn't even form words. He mocked me, a member of his church for 8 years, for my beliefs. Beliefs I thought we shared.

How is this not wrong?

At best it's judgmental, rebellious, unloving and deeply hurtful. Eastlake, the church I put my trust in to guide and teach and help me grow in the ways of the Lord, has subtly become a place accepting and affirming of every conceivable belief system...except the truth it was founded on and taught for years. It's become a place that celebrates confusion, of having no real answers, of claiming arrogance to believe anything with any certainty at all, and welcoming to every conviction except the one I live by - that Jesus Christ is Lord and Savior, and that the Bible is the Word of God. As upsetting as that is, it's also hypocritical. Because in this environment of anything goes, I'm being told that what I believe is considered wrong. How is this inclusive?

Look, I agree with Ryan when he says, "I have lots of things I disagree with about the Bible." Absolutely. There are parts of it that do not sit well with me, parts I just don't understand and parts I disagree with. A friend reminded me, though, that while there certainly are sections of Scripture that are mysterious, confusing or seemingly contradicting, I must stop myself and remember the English translation is just that - a translation from Hebrew, Aramaic or Greek. I know none of these languages or cultures...so before I write off or walk away from the Bible, feeling pissed or confused because I don’t understand, I need to do the work and study the Word. Just because I don’t get it doesn’t mean it's not right or useful or able to teach me. Ultimately, after I've done my homework and if I still don’t get it, then I can defer to a living, loving, trustworthy God who just plain knows better than I do. And then do my damnedest to treat others with love.

Ryan's change of mind has caused confusion and pain for myself and countless others that called Eastlake home. Eastlake leadership has camped out on a cause that makes themselves and a previously rejected community feel good - which I do not have a problem with - but have rejected God's Word in the process – which I do. 

The phrase, "The devil is in the details" has all new meaning to me in all of this. I see now how the enemy has distracted people from the truth about who Jesus is, by having them focus on a minority community who has a history of being mistreated by many in the Christian world. Sneaky. While the message at Eastlake is seemingly pro-love, their stance is more and more anti-Christ. This is the opposite of loving. To wake up to this realization has been utterly devastating.  

The Word warns us, "Be sober-minded. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith..." 1 Peter 5:8

I have failed miserably here for a long time. I've been blindly following along on another man's spiritual journey. I stopped reading the Bible for myself, stopped praying to God (in part because these things were no longer being encouraged by church leadership), failed to research the men and women whose theologies were being taught, and just swallowed the messages as truth week after week. I was unaware (or unwilling to admit) that we had veered far off the path I believed we were on.

"For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. Claiming to be wise, they became fools, and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things." Romans 1:21-23

It wasn't until I'd reached my limit of confusion and fear about what was really true that I realized I hadn't sought God on this matter. When I started to do so, when I started to ask God specifically for clarity and discernment and truth, when I started to read His Word again, I got answers very quickly. It has been a jarring about-face. I feel as if I have spiritual whiplash, and I will be reeling from this wake up for a long time.

Tomorrow I'll share more about what is going on at Eastlake, and about how all of this might've happened…

Xoxo.