#myproject41 1/365: I Want to Be a Writer

I want to be a Writer.

There. I said it.

This isn't something I've officially shared with a lot of people.

Oh sure, I've written some. Shared those writings. Written a lot more that I haven't shared. Even been told I could be a writer, that I should write a book. My husband reminds me often that he's expecting me to write some best sellers so he can retire.

This both encourages and terrifies me.

But the thing is, I've only *wished* I could be a writer. I haven't acted like I am one. I've acted like someone who just writes when she "feels" it.

That's not the way professional writers do it!

I know this, because professional writers have told me so. I know this because after years and years and years of writing only when I feel like it, I'm still not a professional writer.

To be honest, I'm not even entirely sure what that should mean, what it should look like in my life.

But what I do know is that for years and years and years, I've had this deep desire to write, and for my words to make a difference to others. To write, and be published. To write, and have my words point people to Truth. To Jesus.

What I also know is that wishing only works in Disney movies. Because for years I've wished I could have a healthier body. But I don't put in the work. And I wake up every morning with 100 pounds to lose. For years I wished I could be a massage therapist. But until I took the leap to get in school, I kept waking up without a massage license. For years I've wished I could write a book, but I've done nothing to actually accomplish that goal. 

Here's the thing. I believe God put this desire in my heart to write. I believe God gave me an ability to put words to paper - in a way I'm unable to verbalize - that is unique to me. I believe I have a story to share that shows how God works in the lives of and uses His people who are broken and make mistakes, and I want to share that with as many people as possible.

I believe God puts dreams in our hearts and gives us what we need to make those dreams come true, one day at a time, one step at a time.

Or, do I? Do I believe that? Because several of my dreams are still unfulfilled and I think at this point, that's simply because I've been too afraid or too lazy to follow Him down those paths.

Instead, I allow voices that tell me I'll never be successful at it to dictate what I do. Or don't do. I allow voices that tell me I'll be wildly successful and won't be able to handle it (public speaking? Book tours? Horror!) keep me quiet. 

And up until last June, I allowed my feelings to determine how I spent much of my time. The whole concept of the "hustle" has somehow gotten a great rep in our society today - which is strange to me because it used to carry really negative, dishonest connotations - and I've never been much of a hustler in the positive sense. I've lacked discipline mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually...because I've allowed my feelings to rule me instead of the other way around. And usually, I don't "feel" like doing the things I'd need to do to move forward in whatever area of my life needs that.

Now, 7 months after my surrender to Jesus, I'm having to learn new habits. As an empath, and after decades of being just a feeler, this has been incredibly difficult. I have a hard time labeling something as successful if I don't "feel" it. But chasing my feelings for so long only caused me pain, so I know - not feel - that it's time now to create change in my life. 

Proverbs 31 describes a woman that I want to be: one who is wise, of noble character, but who also has strong arms and helps support her family by working hard in everything that she does. I have not consistently been this woman, and that hurts my heart. I believe I can do better for my husband, for my kids, for my Lord. And I want to.

I was ruminating on all of these things last night. Knowing I need and want to make changes in my life and knowing that at this moment, it's up to me to choose to be obedient to my Jesus and what He's asking of me. 

There's this lovely local blogger I follow who is an artist and she challenged herself to do a daily sketch in 2019. Her project popped into my head last night and I was suddenly inspired to do the same.

  

I am not an artist with a brush, but I can be an artist with a keyboard. Not when I look around at what everyone else is writing (including the aforementioned lovely blogger whose writing I love, even though I haven't seen her claim to identify as a writer at all!) and compare myself, but when I focus on Truth, on Jesus, and look to Him as I write, then I am confident in all of this. Which is the only reason I have any courage to do this and make this public at all.

I want to be a Writer. So while I'm 41, I'm going to sit down every day for 30-60 minutes and write. And whatever ends up coming out during that time, I will post here. Because I need to build the habit of writing. Because I need to build discipline. Because I feel this is my Next Right Thing.

I've asked a small handful of women I love and trust to be my accountability for this project, which I'm naming #myproject41. And posting here will create that accountability as well.

Can I be real honest? I'm scared. I'm scared to make this dream public. I'm scared of failing, and I'm kind of scared of succeeding. But mostly failing, because I have 20+ years of experience that tell me I'm real good at that. I'm scared that posting my words will bring judgment, will bring criticism that I won't be able to handle. I'm scared some days I'll have nothing to say and will just have to post gibberish. I'm scared no one will care what I have to say. I'm scared I'll say something wrong. I'm scared I'll ruffle feathers. I'm scared I won't ruffle feathers.

I don't know what I will write about. That scares me too, especially as I'm journeying through this new season of shrugging off the old sins and habits that bound me to dark secrets. Actually the not knowing has kept me stuck for a long time. What's my theme? How do I set up my blog, my blog name, my blog style? What will I write about for the next 6 months? 6 years? I let these questions paralyze me.

*deep breath*

Today, I am committing to just sit down to write daily, and in my writing, I have just two goals:

1. Speak the Truth

2. Speak It with Love (not only for others, but also myself!)

I've lived a long time in the dark and twisty places of my mind where the enemy likes to mess with me. But I want to exude the Light that only truly comes from Jesus. I trust Him, and I believe He will guide me through this next step in my journey.

Until tomorrow...

Xoxo.

40 while 40

For my 40^th birthday last year, I came up with a list of 40 things I wanted to do before I turned 41. I was surprised by how hard it actually is to come up with a realistic list like that – not a dream list where money was no object, but a list that I could actually accomplish. Now that I’m 41 (yikes!), I wanted to recap how that went. So here goes:

1. Read Scripture daily, before coffee: DONE. I know I didn’t do this 365 times, but I definitely did it most of the time! It’s now a habit.

2. Have 2 monthly dates with Greg: DONE. We totally did this!

3. Lose 40 pounds: I lost 25, just by stopping eating when I was full. This year my physical health is a lot more of my focus, and I’ll probably write more about this later.

4. Relaunch massage as a ministry: DONE. Yep! Honey Leigh Massage is now Manna Massage. You can read about that here.

5.  Write in prayer journals for the kids: I still want to purchase actual physical journals to eventually to give to each kid, but I have been writing a lot of my prayers for them in my personal journals.

  6. Make sourdough from scratch: DONE. I successfully made rye-only sourdough that was awesome. This year I will make it the more traditional way.

  7. Get a Dutch oven (for the sourdough): DONE. It’s blue and cute and lives in my oven, which is a bummer when I forget that before I preheat it.

  8. Call someone I love every week: Totally didn’t do this. I have gotten really lazy about only communicating via text or email or in person (which is my favorite way, actually).

9. Read 4 books: DONE. I actually read 11 of them! Some were just to pass the time or, quite honestly, escape from it. Some were to change my life. 

Fave 4 (in no particular order): 

MyLovely Wife in the Psych Ward (Mark Lukach) – an intense true story of a woman’s collapse into mental illness, as told by her husband who suffered alongside her. 

Notes from the Tilt-A-Whirl – N.D. Wilson is officially one of my favorite authors now. He paints beautiful pictures with his words about seeing God in everyday life.

Lord Change Me (James MacDonald) – this was a difficult but amazing book to help me take practical steps into my new life once I surrendered to Jesus. 



God Has a Name (John Mark Comer) – The author of 
this one is someone I know personally, and can attest to 
his legitimacy as a man of God. This book was an 
absolute game changer for my intimate relationship with 
the Lord, spending 288 pages digging into Exodus 34:6-8. 
Don’t read this book unless you want to fall deeply in love 
with God.

10. Memorize Romans 12: *sigh* I have read this chapter over and over and over and over, but can so far only quote the first two verses. I will continue to work on it.

11. Monthly date with Jasper, Teiley & Quinleigh: (I just combined these 3 items into one so I could add to this list.) I got frequent one-on-one time with all of my kids, but this next year, I want to be more intentional about putting these dates on the calendar for us to look forward to.  

12. Go back to counseling: DONE. This was a rough one, but I’m so incredibly grateful I did it. And I’m grateful to Canyon Hills Community Church for offering free Biblical counseling to their members, and so grateful to Stephanie, my counselor, who spoke hard truth with tough love and pointed me back in the right direction.

13. Start kickboxing: DONE. I love punching and kicking things. I just really do. I joined a gym (9 Round is awesome), but after a couple months had to quit (less money, mo’ problems) and now do it in my living room. But I want to do it more often.

14. Give 40 massages: Shoot. Fell a little short with 34 massages. Anyone wanna help me do better this year? 

15. Organize/back up all digital pics: PRETTY MUCH DONE. I got thousands and thousands of pics organized by year. Working backwards from present day, I still need to organize most of them by month and delete duplicates, but I have a system down now, so I’m gonna call this one good!

16. Paint the entry & downstairs hallway: HALF DONE. Painted the hallway and it looks great! Started the entry and ran out of paint and spending the money on another 5 gallon just hasn’t been a priority.

17. Pay off credit card: It’s still on the list.

  18. Buy new shoes: DONE. Bought one pair for myself that I love, and received several more as gifts! Yay!

  19. Recover bench in bedroom: Still on the hunt for the perfect fabric at the perfect price.

  20. Start Biblical Counselor training: ON HOLD. I looked into this but the timing of the dates didn’t work for me last year. And after being in counseling myself, I realized I am still a ways off from being ready to help others in this way.

  

21. Train to be a Life Group leader: This is in the works.

22. Buy new bedding: DONE. Found a gorgeous teal velvet coverlet and pillow shams that make my eyes happy. Always looking for good sheets that look great and feel great at a great deal.

23. Start a Blessings jar: DONE. Did this. Loved it. Started a new tradition of reading our blessings on New Year’s Eve. This one stays!

24. Study Spanish: Ongoing. The duolingo app is super fun and satisfying.

25. Paint the pink door blue: GAH. I have no good reason why this didn’t get done yet.

26. Create cushions for built-in: *facepalm* I can’t make up my mind about fabric to save my life.

27. Build a walking desk: DONE. And I hated it, so it’s gone now.

28. Hem massage curtains: DONE. A dear friend hemmed one for me and then we decided not to do anymore cuz a) it took forever and b) I don’t want to hem them in the case I need a different length in the future.

29. Go on a family missions trip: BUCKET LIST. Due to situations out of our control, this one didn’t happen. Yet.

30. Get life insurance: DONE! We’re such grown-ups.

31. Create a will: Well, not *that* grown up. This one 
seems extra tricky when there’s kids and an ex involved.

32. Do lunges daily: Again, no good reason why this 
didn’t happen. Most of the time I legit forgot. I’d like to 
change that this year.
 

33. Write something, anything daily: DONE. Maybe this is cheating, but I’m counting literally anything I wrote. This year, however, I want to make this a lot more intentional. More letters for the Letter Project (below), and joining Compel writers training, and making actual time to write, pretending I’m a professional.

34. Participate in The Letter Project: DONE. And still going. I love this organization.

35. Get new jeans! DONE. 3 pairs! 2 that I still wear often.

  36. Visit my Grams twice: We saw her at Thanksgiving. Tried in the summer but jury duty made that harder.

   37. Make 40 “3’s” (basketball): DONE. I actually lost count after 40! This was a super fun bonding event to do with Jasper every so often.

   38. Spend a weekend on the water: DONE. But I’m never done doing this. With Greg on our anniversary. With my Mama for a girls’ weekend. Thanksgiving at my Gramma’s house. The water (the ocean especially) is my happy place and being there makes me feel closer to God.

39. *just added* Watch all the Marvel movies, in order.

40. *just added* Give myself grace. I’m in the bad habit of being unkind to myself. Going to be intentional about breaking this habit and replacing it with the right one.

With #40 in mind, I'm going to post this even though I didn't complete every item, and even though this actual blog post is a hot mess, display-wise. Something else to work on this upcoming year!

Xoxo.

#myproject41 13/365: goodbye, honey leigh massage

Why I Massage. 
During my years as a Single Mama, I experienced powerful loneliness. This sometimes led to making decisions that only caused me more pain. I’ve watched many beloved women follow this same path for those same reasons, and it grieves my heart. As natural caretakers of others, us women also often ignore self-care until we are too drained to give any more, but this never negates our own need to be cared for. 

Humans were created to be in relationships, first with God and then with each other. In our desperation for true intimacy and connection, we often turn to less satisfying options that temporarily fill the void in our hearts, but ultimately leave them aching and needing more. It’s my hope that women will consider massage as a healthy alternative to other activities that may leave their hearts in worse shape.

Massage is something I’ve wanted to do for over a decade, but up until 2014, I had let fear stop me from pursuing it. Then, during a conversation with a Single Mama friend, I clearly heard the Lord tell me it was time. But I had zero money to make it happen. I knew this was what the Lord was leading me to do, but the financial burden on my family for me to go to school and start a business was overwhelming. As I stepped out in faith (and not gonna lie, some definite fear and lots of humility), I watched as the Lord intervened on my behalf. I remember sitting in the office of the massage school as I signed the contract and told the director (which I’m sure she was just thrilled to hear), “It doesn’t even matter what amount I write down as my payment each month, because I can’t commit to pay anything out of our budget. I have no idea how I’m going to pay for this. But I believe it’s going to work out.”

And it did.

Each month, almost like magic, people came forward with donations of money, massage tables or items for me to sell to pay for school. I ended up paying for books and supplies and the entire tuition months before school was even finished. I started a business, named it Honey Leigh Massage (after my daughters), and together with my husband, created a beautiful space to massage in, all without having to go into a dime of debt.

This was absolutely the Lord's doing, and I am grateful every day for it.

Goodbye Honey Leigh Massage.

Up until mid-2018, though, I'd allowed myself to be talked out of running my ministry the way I truly wanted. I was told that if I didn’t put a price on my massage, no one else would value it. So, I ignored my gut, set a price, and tried to run a business instead.

The sad result was that I lost focus and it started to become about money, which, of course, was never enough. Massage turned into something I started to dread and fear instead of the gift I believe it to be. 2017-2018 had been an especially difficult battle that took a toll on my emotional, mental and even physical health. It got bad enough that I had to take a season off, which in turn, caused me a lot of guilt. The enemy took the very thing God intended to use for good and His glory and turned it into a burden. 

Last May, I decided I’m officially done letting that happen. Time to refocus and put the past behind me. I will no longer allow the enemy to rob me of the joy the Lord has for me, my family and all those I am I meant to cross paths with.

So, goodbye, Honey Leigh Massage. 

Hello, Manna Massage.

My Vision.

Manna Massage exists as a women’s escape from the pain offered by the world; a place to be reminded they are loved and valued. My heart is to offer healing touch to hurting women. I provide a safe, nurturing sanctuary where women can relax and be still, an hour at a time. Through a pay-what-you-can donation, this gift is offered to all women, regardless of economic status.

Why Massage Is Important.

Physical touch that is actually wanted causes the release of oxytocin (the “feel good” hormone). It helps to nurture feelings of trust and connectedness and it also reduces cortisol (the stress hormone). Just twenty seconds of affectionate touching (hugging, holding hands, back rubs, etc.) is enough to trigger the release of oxytocin. Massage helps to get your blood and lymph circulating, which can clear your body of toxins, improve your mood, help you sleep, increase your metabolism, reduce pain and stiffness, and a whole host of other amazing benefits. Massage is good for your body, mind and soul.

Why I Offer Pay-What-You-Can. 

While I truly believe that the absolute best way to heal is through an intimate relationship with God the Healer (Philippians 4:19, Psalm 30:2), I also believe He gave us each other to be His hands and feet on this earth (Galatians 6:2). I’ve always loved massage, and often wondered if having the means to get a regular massage during my single days would’ve stopped me from making some unwise and painful decisions.

Lack of money is an awful, but very realistic reason to continue being in pain of any kind. So, I want to offer relaxation massage to women in one-hour increments, at a rate of pay-what-you-can. Truly. This means if you want or need a massage, and all you have is $2 you scraped up from the backseat of the car, I want to see you on my table. If paying $100 for a massage is within your means, I want to see you on my table. It does not matter to me. Either way I’m going to treat you with the same nurturing care I would want from a massage therapist.

Why I Call It “Manna” Massage.

The reason it doesn’t matter to me if you pay a little or a lot for a massage is because I know that the Lord is my Provider. Not you, not my husband, and not even my ability to massage. And quite frankly, I need to be constantly reminded of that.

In Exodus, the Lord provided His people with a daily dose of nourishment they called “Manna” (meaning, “What is it?”). Every morning when they awoke, the ground was covered with a mysterious substance that they could eat. The Lord provided what they needed every single day, so worrying about what they were going to eat the following day wasn’t necessary. I want to live in that kind of unshakable peace; the kind that only trusting the Lord provides (Philippians 4:7). 

How It Works.

Since massage is a gift that was given to me, and I believe gifts are to be shared, that is what I intend to do. To best share this gift, and to keep my focus in the right place, I don’t even want to discuss money with you.

Yes. I know that sounds unprofessional. But I mean it. This isn’t about money for me, and I certainly don’t want it to be about money for you.

Money = stress.

Massage = stress-free. Isn’t that so much better?!

So, if you want a massage, you text or email me, and make an appointment. And on the day of your appointment, after you’re all nice and relaxed, there will be a lovely little blue treasure box for you to put your cash or check in. And you can put in whatever amount of money you can comfortably afford and feel good about donating.

I truly do not want you to over think this. If you can afford $2, $26, $65 or $120, put that amount of money in the box. That part is between you and God. I’m not even going to look in the box after you leave. Really. I will check that box on the first of each month and thank the Lord for providing whatever He chose to provide. Because the part that is between me and the Lord is that I continue to offer His gift with a willing heart. Money only complicates that.

1 Peter 4:10 instructs me, “Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.” So, ladies, please come see me. I would be honored to offer you an hour of healing.

Xoxo.