Last week I declared that I'd post twice a week on my blog.
This week I posted...none. Well, one, counting this, now.
Oh, I've written plenty this week. Lengthy, gut-wrenching posts that'll likely never see publishing. It's been a rough week, emotionally. So I've written from that place.
Last night I wrote while I was angry and hurting. I wanted to publish it, to make it public and share it with everyone. But like I mentioned in my first post, fear crept in. Or maybe wisdom? Truth be told, I can't always tell the difference.
I spent a lot of time being hurt and angry this past week. Hurt by the actions of people who don't seem to know or care that my life is affected by theirs. Angry that they can still hurt me. Angry at the people who told me to "get over it", supposedly out of kindess, and angry at those who suggested that when I'm feeling this way, it's because I'm choosing to.
I suppose in a way, that's not entirely wrong. So help me, though, I have yet to figure out how to just choose to feel something other than what I'm feeling. But the way I see it, feelings are important. Emotions are important. They are the language the heart speaks, and while the heart can be fickle, that doesn't mean what it has to say should be ignored. Finding the balance between the language of both my heart and head has been a battle I've waged for well over 20 years, ever since I became aware of the fact that my heart will just always speak louder to me than my head will. I've learned a lot about responding versus reacting over the years, about the value of taking a pause before I speak, but at the end of the day, I will always choose to listen to my heart.
What this looks like for me is that I don't ignore the feelings when they come. (I mean, sometimes I do. And that almost always looks like binge watching Netflix.) Some people call that choosing to be miserable. Some people claim that crying never solved anything. Well, for me that just isn't true. Honestly, I often see positivity as just burying your head in the sand. And my house is never as clean as when I'm truly pissed off and in tears about it. Allowing myself to feel the pain, feel the anger (which is usually just masking the pain) helps me to sort out what's going on so I can figure out the root cause. I'm not interested in masking the problem. I'm not interested in taking a pill to dull my emotions. I'm interested in finding the actual issue and making it right. What this also looks like for me is that I feel the unpleasant emotions often, I spend a lot of time in the dark, twisty places. It takes a long damn while to really sort out what's going on, especially without a degree in counseling, but it's worth it to me to learn from my pain, learn from my mistakes, and move forward stronger.
One thing I'm struggling with a lot lately is how to balance this deep need I have to assert myself in ways I've never done, with the fact that I also don't want to hurt people. The truths I have in my heart aren't all pretty. Like everyone else, I've been hurt deeply by people I love, and I've hurt them deeply as well. But for the sake of keeping the peace, I've spent most of my life biting my tongue and saying "It's ok" when really, it's not. Doing that for 30+ years has created a deep pit of dark emotions that have been truly crying out for my attention in the past couple of years. My need to keep the peace has in fact created a great lack of peace in my own heart. And I've been watching a lot of Netflix.
Tonight, I'm less angry. I think it's wise to hold my tongue when I'm angry. Nothing I've ever said out of anger had the result I'd hoped it would, anyway. (Except for the times I just really wanted to hurt someone.) But recently I've practiced setting boundaries when my temper had cooled, and whether or not the recipient agreed with me or understood my need for the boundaries, doing so made me feel strong and cared for...even if only by myself. I think it's probably important that I start caring for myself in that way more. I've spent a lot of time caring for others, and caring what others think. I want to continue to do the first thing, and do it more often, but I want to care less about what others think of me.
So for now, what I wrote last night will go unread, except by the few trusted souls I shared it with. Tonight, I will fall asleep knowing I still have time to sort out my pain, time to find the wisest, most loving way to communicate that pain to whomever truly needs to hear it.
Tonight I will feel strong in my choice to stay silent.
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| Found this while searching for a pretty picture. It seemed to fit nicely, and affirm my choice to stay quiet a bit longer.
Dammit. It's officially next week. Guess I didn't post at all last week.
Oh, well.
Xoxo.
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