:: missing bcs

One thing I love about writing is that it can be such a gift, even years later. Currently I'm dealing with some painful and frustrating things in my personal life, which is why I'm even digging into my past right now. So to run across this email that I sent in 2012, to literally everyone who worked at Bellevue Christian School at the time, was a beautiful reminder for me this morning of how God has come through in my life time after time after time. I may not always feel His presence or see His hand, but I know he's there.  

I also really miss my BCS community.  It's hard feeling as isolated as I do, staying home with two kiddos now.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be in the position of being able to stay home with my girls.  It's been a huge blessing to my kids and my family as a whole, and even on the hard days, and even with all the sacrifices we make financially for me to stay home, it's felt like I'm doing the right thing. But I definitely miss the daily interaction with other adults, in person. Being home all the time kind of zaps the life from me, and then I have no energy to actually leave the house. It's a vicious cycle! I need to work on better self care so I can be a better version of me for my loves. 

So yeah. It made me cry. Here ya go...

To My Dearest BCS Family,

Over the years I’ve sent many a long, wordy email sharing pieces of my journey with you.  You’ve been gracious enough to permit me to pour out my heart before, and I thank you for allowing me to do so one last time. 

I’m not someone who is afraid of change, but I do need adequate time to mentally prepare myself for it.  It’s part of the reason why I prayed for over two years about whether or not BCS was still the place for me.  It’s part of the reason why I gave my two weeks’ notice more than four months ago.  I’m sure it’s part of the reason why tonight it suddenly feels like it’s all crept up on me and the end is coming much too quickly.  As you know, my children and I have walked through a multitude of seasons during my four year employment at BCS.  We relocated from out of state, adjusted to a new community, suffered the pain of divorce, crawled through the processes of healing and rebirth, recreated our private world and found contentment in Jesus.  We’ve changed homes, cars, day cares, friends, churches, and labels.  And most recently, were blessed with a new chance at happiness and family in my recent marriage.  With our beloved new family, the Murphy’s, we’ve been loved and blessed beyond measure, as well as endured tragedy that words can’t adequately describe.  And through all the changes, the only constants for me have been the Lord’s faithfulness, and my desk in the Admissions Office.

Many times I’ve thanked you, individually and as a whole, for the incredible gift you’ve been to me and my kiddos.  I cannot thank you enough.  Jasper and Teiley have been blessed year after year with wonderfully loving teachers, counselor, office staff and a Principal who takes the time to get to know them and make sure they’re doing well.  I’ve been blessed with important work to do, and more importantly (at least to me), beautiful friendships that I will cling tightly to.  So many of you have been instrumental in carrying my kids and I through some incredibly painful years as you obeyed the Lord’s leading to be His hands and feet in our lives.  I have witnessed the Lord work miracles in and for me, and through the dark, His light has prevailed.  I am a better woman having gone through what I have, and having done so in this safe and generous community.  I’m grateful for it all.

As I leave BCS with mixed emotions, and enter the world of internship at my church, again I humbly ask for your prayers: 

·         For my marriage.  I’m blessed to be recently married to a man who is sensitive to my sensitive heart and sees the importance of following where the Lord leads – even when it leads us to scary, uncharted territory.  I’m grateful for the ways we are already walking through this together and would ask for your continued prayer coverage that the enemy would not get a foothold in our marriage, but that we would remain strongly dedicated to the Lord and each other, even as we’re still getting to know one another and adjust to our new normal, which is yet again changing.  I’m grateful for this opportunity to have more time and energy to invest in my husband and children as well.

·         For the Lord’s provision.  Or rather, our trust in Him doing so.  It’s a huge step of faith for my husband and I as we step away from one income and increase expenses to keep our kiddos here.  I’m excited to see how the Lord will provide for these things in ways that only He can.  I pray we both keep our focus on Him as our Provider.

·         For my internship.  You know how when you really want something, it scares you to death?  Yeah – that’s kind of what I’m feeling right now!  I just started my internship this past Sunday, and I’m feeling very overwhelmed and unprepared.  I’m excited and nervous for this new season of my life – as if I needed another major transition right now, haha!  I don’t know where the internship might lead, but my desire for doing so is to set aside the next year to really seek the Lord and His will for me.  I’m anxious to see how He can use my heart for people to reach those who need His amazing love.

Thank you again, a million times over, for the ways you’ve touched and changed my life.  I will deeply miss so many people that have become family to me here.  I’m sad to leave, excited to move forward, and hope to see you before my final day, next Friday, the 21^st.  Please just expect me to be in tears if we do bump into each other. 

In the oh so wise words of Winnie the Pooh, “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

Xoxo.