Ya know that saying, "Enjoy the journey"?
Yeah. I hate that saying. But apparently everyone else loves it, because I can't even find a meme or image to express the opposite.
I have a really hard time with "the journey". I tend to want to skip ahead to the part where I'm enjoying the fruits of my labor, rather than all the laboring. Now, I know in my head that getting to the destination wouldn't feel as rewarding if I skipped the travelling, or blah blah blah, so I'm told. But when I think about how hard the journeying actually is, I don't enjoy much of it at all. I mean, does anyone really enjoy the journey? Does anyone enjoy the falling down, and the getting back up again, battered and bruised, and dragging ourselves forward? Or do we just enjoy once we're healed and strong again, and sipping Mai Tais on our own private beach?
I digress.
The very night after I finally made my long-awaited (by me, at least) blog public, I sat through a blogging webinar about finding my ideal reader.
Not even five minutes into this thing, I was sitting at my massage table, surrounded by calm and relaxing music and just-right-lighting, and I cried.
I realized already that I was doing it all wrong. *sigh* I had been a blogger for less than 24 hours and already felt like my endeavors were worthless and I should just quit.
Immediately, I texted the two friends I was taking this webinar with, in panic mode. In I-wanna-run-away-and-forget-this-whole-blog-cuz-this-sounds-too-hard-mode. Thankfully, both of these ladies are wise and lovely, and reminded me to breathe and just take it in. That nothing more was being required of me in that moment.
More often than I like, I need to be reminded to take things one step at a time. In my head I want to fast forward to my goal, even though decades of experience have proven to me that this is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing done, because when *I* look at the big picture, I get overwhelmed and shut down immediately.
My point is this. This blog, right now, is part of my journey. And while I know it's not where I'll end up, I also know it's a road to get there. During that blogging webinar, I was reminded WHO my heart is pulled towards, and WHAT my actual goal and purpose in blogging is. That purpose is very specific, very personal, and therefore...very terrifying. And it's gonna take a lot more prayer and research and digging into my past to get me there. So in the meantime, this blog is completely selfish, and has just two goals:
1. To get me back in the habit of writing. I've neglected this practice for a looooooooong time, and I'm seriously rusty. I want to post twice a week, and be working on posts at least 5 days a week to get back in the habit. There. Now that I have that in writing, you can keep me accountable if you care to.
2. To make my writing public. I tend to be more comfortable than most people with baring my heart and soul, but doing so in this medium makes me feel far more vulnerable than even I'm comfortable with. I'm way too aware of how many "likes" or not I'm getting, way too aware of the "crickets" when people don't read or comment or whatever. It makes me sad, makes me feel inferior, makes me wanna quit. Especially when I see my friends who are beautiful writers sharing themselves and getting a lot more traffic, getting tons of comments and reaching people and even being published. It's said that "comparison is the thief of joy" and damn, that's so true. But it's also human nature, and it's really hard for me to put myself out there when there is no response. I'd almost rather negative response than no response. Being ignored is my least favorite thing ever. But I'm making this commitment to my future self and hopefully the future humans I'll connect with and make a difference for. I know this blog right now won't matter to a lot of people, and I'm trying to be ok with that. I will share anyway.
I'm rambling now. I told you, this blog is totally selfish. But for now, for this season, it's what I need to prepare myself for when the journey gets harder. For now, I will do as William Wordsworth instructed:
And since this blog is for me, I'll leave THIS link here to remind myself of why doing this is a good thing. Feel free to read it if you're interested in blogging, too.
Xoxo.
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